Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired.

This is hard.  I hate being vulnerable. Like nails on a chalkboard, root canal, Nickelback on the radio kind of hate it. You see, I am a perfectionist (not by choice). I always have been, and the one thing I have never been able to control is my weight.  I hate that, I promise you. BUT, if I can help anyone else out there who is struggling with food addiction/motivation to change, and if this blogging thing keeps me somewhat accountable for my actions, then I figure I should give it a go.  So, here goes nothin'!  I hope you'll stick around for this weight loss journey, because cheerleaders are always fun to have around. Warning though: you may laugh a little, and cry a little, yawn a little, but I can't see you, so do what you need to do :)

Isn't my family cute?  This was probably pretty close to my highest weight.

My name is Callie.  I am a 38 year old mom (not sure how that happened, because I use to be young-ish) of three pretty awesome kids, and a wife to a pretty amazing husband.  I have been overweight pretty much my whole life, so let's start with that.  When I was 10 years old I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism.  I have been on Synthroid for 28 years, people!  For those of you who aren't familiar with Hypothyroidism, let me give you a crash course on the matter - it sucks.  That's pretty much it.  We can't metabolize food properly, we are tired (all of the time) we hurt (Fibromyalgia is common with it) and the best part, our bodies LOVE to hold on to weight.  We are more prone to high blood pressure, high cholesterol, depression, anxiety and mood swings.  As if being a girl isn't hard enough, right?  Ever since I was diagnosed it has been a constant battle, although I am good at hiding it.  I keep a smile on my face, and I love life, and I love my family and friends.  Most people would never know my struggles by looking at me.  Dealing with Hypothyroidism AND having a food addiction make for an interesting ride.

Let me also mention that I am Mormon. Why is this relevant? Because along with being Mormon there are obvious things I don't partake in. I don't drink, I don't cuss, I don't smoke, I don't use drugs, I don't gamble, I don't even drink coffee! Basically I have one vice and one addiction in life, and that is FOOD.  Glorious food!! Give it to me. In the past, when I had hard a day I didn't get a glass of wine, or smoke a cigarette, or go out and party. I indulged in chocolate, or chips, or ice-cream and it was okay, because it's just food, right?  We have to eat to live, so it's pretty easy to justify inhaling whatever is around you at the time.  It's how we celebrate, it's how we mourn, it's how we live.  Society is always justifying a good food binge.

Now, don't get me wrong there have been many times in my life where I got serious about losing weight, and I was successful a couple times with crash diets, losing 15 pounds here or 10 pounds there, but it never lasted long because the diet wasn't realistic, and it ultimately ended up with more weight gain, and also that "what's the point? I always fail anyway, I may as well just be happy being chubby" feeling.  But I am not happy being chubby.  I am a fit, healthy, vibrant woman stuck inside of this body.  And I am tired. I am sick and tired, both literally and figuratively.  I am ready for change, and I will explain later why this time is different.

College days, probably my smallest at 155.  I am the one in the middle of the trunk ;)

The thinnest I have ever been in my adult life was in College.  I was 155 pounds.  I am 5'3", which makes extra weight even more of a challenge.  Let's just say, I don't hide it well.  I wasn't fat by any means, but I wasn't "thin" either. I actually have a lot of muscle, and I was pretty fit, but not "thin".  I don't think I will ever be "thin", I don't quite have the frame for it, and to be honest I am a pretty curvy girl.  I've got hips and boobs and probably always will.  I maintained that weight pretty well until I got married and had baby #1.  After that pregnancy,  I couldn't get rid of that last 15 pounds, so I was up to around 170-175.  Baby #2 came, up to 185.  Then baby #3 came, and surprisingly I didn't gain too much more weight, maybe 5 pounds or so.  And then I got pregnant with baby #4, and 4 months in to my pregnancy we lost that baby.  I was devastated.  Three years later it still hurts.  There are not many more things in life that are as painful and heart wrenching as losing a child, I promise you.  In a two year period after we had lost the baby, I had ballooned to my highest weight ever at 213 pounds. I can't tell you how humiliating it is to type that!  NO ONE has ever known my weight except my doctor.  So there it is. I was kidding myself in to thinking it wasn't a big deal.  Pardon the pun.  I thought, it's not THAT bad.  I still look pretty good.  I am still cute.  My husband would still tell me how beautiful I was, bless his heart.  I told myself I was still eating healthy most of the time (in between weekly pizza binges and trips to Sonic!)  Looking back I can see how a few things happened.  #1, I was getting older.  My metabolism was changing.  I couldn't get away with things I did in my 20's.  #2 I was using food to medicate myself. It was my drug of choice. #3 I became so overly busy trying distract myself from the pain, that I was too busy to eat healthy.  I was slowly becoming my own worst enemy.

Thankfully, I have some pretty amazing friends.  Friends who changed their lives by eating right and exercising.  They were, and still are good examples to me.  Over the past year and half, we worked out together, had weight loss classes, did boot camp and supported one another. Very slowly I managed to go from 213 pounds down to 202.  Just eating a little bit better, and exercising here and there.  Selling my cake shop probably helped too (that's a whole other story).  It's not good to be surrounded by cake when you're a gal like me! So, I was down 11 pounds, but knew I could do better than that, much better.  And then, this happened.  My husband (my partner in crime, my binge buddy, my fellow couch potato) did something crazy and unexpected.  He started exercising.  Like regularly.  Mountain Biking.  And then, he started eating healthy, and then he started climbing mountains and junk, and he started losing weight.  And then 2 months later he was down 40 pounds!  FORTY flippin' pounds!!  Woah.  Hello wake up call!  I couldn't justify my poor habits anymore, because I didn't have anyone saying "its ok".  In the past, when I had started a weight loss program, he would support me for a couple weeks, and then say "good job honey, now let's order some pizza."  And that was the end of that.  I don't blame him.  It just wasn't important to him at the time, and I wasn't strong enough to fight my battle on my own.  But now, HE was the one being the example.  He was being the inspiration, and I wanted to join him.  And so I did.  Timing is everything sometimes.  It's not about looking good anymore (although that's a plus), it's about having more energy, feeling lighter and more alive.  It's about being a good example to my kids, and living long enough to meet my grandbabies.  You see, when you get closer to 40 I think something shifts.  You start to realize this body you've been given isn't immortal, it's going to die one day, but I want to be an old lady when that happens.  I have way too much to LIVE for.

My hubby and I today (like last week).  We are both starting to feel better, and we are kind of babes too, just sayin'. ;)

This week, I think I am starting to see a difference :)

2 1/2 weeks ago I got serious.  I started fresh.  We stocked up on fresh fruit, veggies, nuts, beans and lean meats and I haven't looked back.  Our kids hate us.  I hardly cook for them anymore, and to be honest some nights they fend for themselves, because if they don't want to eat Quinoa Salad, then that's their problem. (ok, sometimes I will throw them a sandwich).  Then I started working out regularly.  Weight lifting like a man three times a week (M, W, F) and Zumba twice a week on T, Th.  I feel awesome.  I feel more fit already, and more alive, and I am not going to stop this time.  In 2 1/2 weeks I am down 7 pounds, my clothes fit better, my double chin is getting smaller, and I am out of the 200's and down to 195.  Five more pounds and I will be where I was after Hayden was born.  But I won't stop there either.  I would love to be 150.  My ideal weight is probably in the 130's, but I can't think that far, so we'll go with 150.  That's 45 pounds away.  It seems daunting, but I am pretty sure I can do it with some support and accountability. So, let's talk about it!  Leave a comment on here or on Facebook, and let's ride this journey together!